Perspectives
by highplainswoman
Summary: What was Harm talking about when he told Mac in Back in the Saddle she didn't know what he was feeling?  And, just what was he feeling, anyway?


"Perspectives"

Summary: What was Harm talking about when he told Mac she didn't know what he was feeling when she asked him to help with the Imes caseload?? And what exactly was he feeling, anyway??

Scene from "Back in the Saddle" (Season 9 first aired 31 Oct 03)

"Look, I know you're mad at me."—Mac

"Not mad at anybody."—Harm, walking towards his chair with guitar in hand. He sits down and Mac follows him in.

"So, uh, what? You decided to move on and leave the rest of us behind?"

"Just tryin' to get on with my life, ya know." (DJE does a wonderful job of letting his tone of voice express his resentment, here, IMHO!)

"I know you're upset."

"You don't know anything about what I'm feeling!"

Disclaimer: Don't own JAG or its characters. Just taking them out to play.

Spoilers: Mainly "Back in the Saddle" (Season 9), very minor spoilers ("People vs. Rabb,", "Goodbyes,", "In Thin Air,", "Ice Queen"/"Meltdown,", "Secret Agent Man,", among others)

Summary: What was Harm talking about when he told Mac she didn't know what he was feeling when she asked him to help with the Imes caseload?? And what exactly was he feeling, anyway??

A/N 1: This is a short little "blurb" that may or may not be incorporated into other work. This has been "eating" at me for a while. No plot—just an "introspective" piece that fills in one little "hole" (for me, anyway) in canon. Our hero wasn't very introspective AT ALL—but I kinda doubt a person goes through what he did at the end of Season 8 and going into Season 9 WITHOUT questioning a lot of assumptions. I offer this up as a suggestion as to what his statement to Mac really meant. Also—anybody else wonder just exactly what it was Catherine and Harm talked about after Mac left his apartment??? (This idea has been "nagging" at me for a while!)

A/N 2: When this ep first aired, I was confused by his response to her comment "I know you're mad at me". Of course he would be angry, having given up his career to rescue her—and then "not getting the girl" after all of that! Then, upon reflection and thinking—and re-viewing the entire Paraguay storyline several times, there was more to that than the "obvious".." This short little "vignette" handles that issue."

A/N 43: My thanks to my writing partner, Janlaw, for informing me of the legalities of that little situation—for her to ask him for his help (to do actual "work" as opposed to just asking a former colleague who's no longer in the Navy for his recollections of something he'd worked on, for example) in that situation WITHOUT financial remuneration was illegal. Given all the times opportunities (one that we KNOW about and I think it's safe to assume there were other opportunities) Mac brought up Harm's work to the Admiral, I think it's entirely likely, especially given the Admiral's "Expedite all you want" remark in the staff meeting in this episode,that as Chief of Staff, she would have found a way to get him some money for all the work he did for the the JAG staff during that time before he came back to JAG. Call it becoming a temporary "consultant" or "independent contractor"—I don't think it makes that much difference in this case. Author's liberties have been taken regarding how procurement is really done in the "real life" Navy. And so here we go. . .

Scene from "Back in the Saddle"

This takes place the night both Mac and Catherine Gale shows up at his apartment. The following is the bit of "dialoge" I'm basing this introspective piece on:

"Look, I know you're mad at me."—Mac

"Not mad at anybody."—Harm, walking towards his chair with guitar in hand. He sits down and Mac follows him in.

"So, uh, what? You decided to move on and leave the rest of us behind?"

"Just tryin' to get on with my life, ya know."

"I know you're upset."

"You don't know anything about what I'm feeling!"

---------------------------------------------

Harm's apartment, North of Union Station

Time: 2300 (Military Time); 11:00 p.m. (Civilian Time)

Date: Immediately after Mac AND Catherine leave his apartment

-----------------------

Damn!! This had proven to be quite the night. First Mac shows up on his threshold, then Catherine—and that odd little remark of Catherine's as Mac left his apartment had taken him to a psychological space he had managed to avoid ever since that disastrous interview in the Admiral's office upon their return from Paraguay. Even when Beth, bless her heart, had pushed a little, he had been reluctant to "go there." Now, in the quiet of the late night, there was no "running" away from the situation.

He stood at the window of his apartment, nursing a bourbon while staring out the window. Raindrops were making the view a bit blurry—kinda like his life at the moment, he thought. His conversation with Catherine had helped settle his emotions down somewhat—he knew his urge to help people stemmed came directly from his reluctance to face up to certain issues. And it certainly helped to get a female's perspective on Mac's behavior in Paraguay. If there was anything "good" coming from this last disastrous "adventure"," it was his blossoming friendship with Catherine Gale. It struck him they were almost two "peas in a pod"—their respective personal lives were a messes and both were floundering. He hoped he'd been able to "help" her as much as she inadvertently "helped" him.

That conversation with Mac--wow!! Poor Carolyn, whatever had prompted her to fake her way into JAG in the first place, anyway?? He had always respected Carolyn's legal work, smart-assed remark to Mac notwithstanding, even when he had disagreed and fought her in their courtroom battles with her approach(es) to legal issues. This is not to mention the time when she was his defense counsel in his first "up close and personal" confrontation with murder charges. He drew some comfort from knowing that the fact Mac was defending her—if there were anyone at JAG who could pull some order from the chaos Carolyn now found herself in, it would be Mac, athough he seriously doubted anyone, including himself, could do much more than to keep her out of the brig. Go, Mac, he thought sourly.

He sighed. He had done some introspection when his plane had gone down in the Atlantic the eve before Mac's "not-to-be wedding" but it was hard and painful work and he was very reluctant to engage in such reflection. He glanced over at the stack of files Mac had left on his coffee table and sighed again. Might as well get to it. If he remembered correctly, Carolyn had been at JAG on and off through the years and there were going to be a lot of case files to go through. They were going to be absolutely swamped for a while, he thought, his mind shifting to the "attorney work mode" almost automatically. This was going to prove to be a tremendous strain on all of his former colleagues, especially Bud and Sturgis—not to mention Mac in her role of "Chief of Staff"." And the Admiral's mood wasn't going to help in that regard.

He sat down, putting his glass down on a coaster next to the stack and proceeded to open the first file—and was stunned to discover the consulting contract staring him in the face. He grunted, once again. Trust Mac to tie down all loose ends. In a way, he was relieved. Even without looking at the details, the money involved would go a long way towards easing a financial burden, partly caused by his self-financed travel to Paraguay. The CIA had paid for his ticket back since he had "completed" Webb's mission of getting to those Stinger missiles and considered his way back home as "making the scoreboard even." He took a closer look at the details and whistled. Mac had certainly come through. Despite his disappointment and disillusionment at the moment, a warm thought about Mac wormed itself into his mind—and eased a little of the monster wound he knew he was carrying around. She cared enough, despite her attraction towards Webb, to watch out for her "best friend"—the amount of money the Admiral had signed off on—he flipped the pages to the back where he checked to make sure Mac had obtained the Admiral's permission for enlisting him—would definitely give him some breathing room. Idly, he wondered if the funds Mac had "scrounged" up from somewhere came from the "contingency" funds Renee, of all people, had talked him into including in the budget eons ago. If that were the case—and the corners of his mouth tilted upwards in a grim little smile—then there was a very rich irony here. He let the thought go after hanging onto it long enough to thoroughly appreciate said irony.

He leaned back, picked up his glass and took a sip, his mind whirling. He glanced at the Admiral's signature again—one he had seen over and over again in his many years at JAG. Yep—it was the same scrawled, almost non-legible "A.J. Chegwidden" only slightly "deformed".." He grimaced. He could only imagine what he had said to Mac when she presented him, the Admiral, with the contract.

Which gave rise to still another thought about Mac: she knew him well enough to appeal to his emotional side, not the logical, pragmatic attorney. Damn it, anyway!! If she had mentioned the contract and the involved amount of money, she knew he would have turned her down flat—his stubborn (and yes, he was willing to admit he could be stubborn at times!)—male pride would have insisted he didn't need the money. (Who was he kidding, anyway?? Nobody but he— and Mac knew him well enough to know that, too!!) Instead, she played her cards very well indeed—she appealed to his well-developed senses of loyalty and duty that so much was a part of his paternal legacy, once again, in spite of her self, impressing the socks of him, so to speak. He, in turn, knew her well enough to know she didn't appreciate just how good she really was.

Staring at the signature of "A.J. Chegwidden" and studying same, he noted the extraordinarily "thick" pen strokes—and the half-assed "curl" at the end—as if the Admiral were "venting" on paper. A phrase flittered through the window of his mind—"pen abuse"—creating a half-smile at the thought. He wondered briefly if punishing the pen helped A.J. with his anger. The half-smile died on his lips as he reflected some more about the Admiral and his state of mind.

What in the hell had he done to warrant A.J.'s undisguised anger, anyway?? He tripped down memory lane remembering all the times he had caome to the Admiral's aid, rescuing Francesca, among other things, springing to mind. Then there was the matter of his advising the Admiral about Admiral's Clancy's sudden and unexpected demise. He conveniently "forgot" just about how close he came to insubordination when the Admiral had "severed" him from the case of PO Moritze-- the plane captain he had thought had sabotaged an F-14;; he didn't couldn't remember —didn't want to remember, actually—the time he crossed the line and "broke lawyer/client confidentiality"—it had been only Chegwidden's intervention and rather creative interpretation of the regulations that had kept him from being disbarred- he purposefully didn't want to go back to his alarming behavior during NCIS's investigation into Singer's murder. At the moment, he couldn't remember any of that—all he could remember were the times when he had jumped to the Admiral's aid. This non-objective trip down nostalgia lane only added to his self-pity trip.

All he could see at the moment was the precedent the Admiral had inadvertently set when he "forgot" to process Mac's resignation lo those many years ago—and ignored that precedent when he had processed Harm's. Another sip from the bourbon—he had always suspected A.J. preferred Mac over him for God only knows what reasons, and now he had his proof. Another "reason" to resent Mac.

He had told Mac he wasn't angry—at least, not at her. Alone, late this night, he could acknowledged to himself—and no one else—he was only partially right. Yeah, he was angry at the world in general—and really, really angry with the Admiral and maybe some at Mac herself. But digging deeper, he discovered he wasn't so much angry with Mac as hurt and bewildered. But even that was irrational, he lectured himself; she was a free agent and he thought she knew her own mind. Besides that—and this thought produced still another snort, this one of disgust with himself—she herself had acknowledged the possibility of Stockholm Syndrome setting in on her part—and he had wisely at the time kept his mouth shut. He promised himself he would keep this vow of silence when it came to this topic and Mac—the possibility of post-trauma stress setting in, as well. As far as he could see, she was doing a damn good job of burying that aspect of their adventure in South America—and he knew, both from personal experience and observation through the years, a relationship based primarily on shared, traumatic experience, could only go so far.

He stood up and walked to the window again. The rain had stopped—and everything was sharp and clear—and fresh, as rain was often wont to do to the environment. It was still dark—and the analogy struck him with the force of 8 g's..!! It was much like his life at the moment; what he was going to do for a long-term job was still unknown, still unclear at this point. But with regards to Mac, apparently he still had enough of her regard for her to make the effort to make his free-lance work with JAG "right" in almost all aspects,. and, given what he knew about human psychology, he could wait and see how things between Mac and Clay worked out. He would bet his bottom dollar at the moment that, sooner or later, that affair would blow up in Mac's face. And while he didn't want to be the "fall-back guy,"" the "rebound" target, he would be there as her friend. Given the wreck that was his life, he could live with that for the moment. Hell, he was going to have to live with it. In fact—and absent-mindedly, he chewed on his lower lip as he processed this thought—it might be best for all concerned if that's where it stayed, at least in the immediate future.

As far as the Admiral went, well, so far as he knew, hedidn't have to face the man ever, when working on these files. He would have to consult with both Bud and Mac, especially since Mac was defending Carolyn, but he could and would keep his distance from A.J., at least until a lot of the anger and resentment had worked through his emotional system as surely it would. He was too much of an optimist to remain forever in this dark pit of grief and sorrow.

He went back to the couch, set his glass on the table. It was late—but he was a long ways from being sleepy/tired, and he might as well get started. He glanced at his watch, his mind already in "planning" mode. He would get a good start on these files—after signing the consultant contract—then get up and scoot on out to Blacksburg. He suspected it would be a while before he could get out there—and his "other Sarah" needed "servicing". Maybe he would even take her up. That would help soothe his tattered soul to a very large extent. Not only that—and he could feel the beginning of some positive excitement—he would ride his newly-acquired "bike" and feel the wind blowing through his hair. Yep—that was a plan. And it was a workable plan. He scribbled his name on the blank line on the back page of the consultant contract, set it aside making a mental note to make sure it got back to Mac in a "timely fashion",," and started in on the case files. For the first time in a long time, he felt "settled," anchored in place. It never occurred to him it was because he was doing work he was uniquely qualified for. Life was beginning to feel good again.

Fini!!

Final A/N note: It's been a while since I've posted--Jan usually takes care of that "chore" in this partnership. This is a "solo" effort--although Jan did "beta" read. In posting, a lot of the editing "changes" came through rather muddled. I mention this only in that this will also be posted on the HarmyBoard. If there are "differences" they will be minor, editing changes.


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